I cannot say 'Goodbye'
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Hey Greg!
It was a long drive home today, sorry I'm late.
It's been a while since my last letter, but you've been on my mind a lot lately. I wanted to let you know how things have been.
I'm driving a school bus these days. It's been a lot of fun, a lot of stress and there are times I want to adopt all the kids and bring them home. It's keeping me busy and out of trouble. Mostly. Still it gives me too much time in my head and I find all I do is think of you. I miss you a lot. I hear your voice - always giving me encouragement. Just like you always did.
I've tried to date, but you've left some big shoes to fill. I remember your 18 pairs of Converse hi-tops. Every pair was unique. You had a pair you raced your car in, a pair you wore to dinner, A pair you voted in. You made me laugh so hard! I want someone who makes me laugh like that. Until then, I'm learning to laugh alone.
What else is new? Let's see. I got my own place a few months ago. I hear your voice telling me to be safe. I must check the lock on the door several times a day. I watch around me constantly. I sometimes feel silly, but you were always so worried because of my background. I still jump at every sudden noise, but it's getting better. The boy moved out last year, so this gives me too much time in my head and I find I think about you so often. I'm staying warm and dry and I am doing the best I can to be as safe as I can without you.
I remember the talks we had about getting property by the river, putting up a 5th wheel for camping in - in case the river flooded. We could get out of there in a hurry. It's been raining hard for days. I wish we would have had the chance to get that property. All you wanted was peace and quiet and time alone - just the two of us. It's raining now - and I'm alone wishing I wasn't.
It's almost Christmas and I still can't get around to decorating. Seems like things are just like they were two years ago. They are predicting snow and my truck is running crappy. Just like two years ago.
I cannot believe it's been two years since you died. I need to call your mom and chat. I did on your birthday. She was stronger than I was, at least on the phone. She said she knew I'd be calling, so she's probably waiting for this call, too.
Two years. Some times it feels like yesterday. I can still see you lying in the hospital bed. Then I remember you as you were. Laughing, cooking, complaining about the drama in your friends' lives. Two years. We needed a lifetime more.
I wanted you to know, too, that I'm crying less. I know this sounds strange. You would have hated that it makes me so sad, still. It's not that I'm feeling sorry for myself. It's more that you left such a big mark in my life. You loved me so much, you taught me so much about myself. You showed me I was valuable when I didn't think I was. I believe that's the biggest gift you gave me. You gave me.. me! I had always apologized for being smart. You asked me to be smart. You challenged me. Cars, guns, work.. We always had something to talk about. Remember when you told your friends "She'll come across as really dingy, but she's brilliant!" That made me laugh! Now the silence I surround myself with isn't empty because your voice is with me still. Just like it always was.
I miss you deeply. I wanted you to know I know you're watching over me. Protecting me. Still loving me. Making me laugh.
Just like you've always done.
This song is for you, because you were my rainbow!
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Thank you G-Ma! I know you do.. more than most. Merry Christmas dear friend.. I'll call you! We need to have coffee soon!! I've not called yet. I'll be in the hood that day, so I'm going to stop over, first.
Candie - I have nearly the same conversation with my Zena just about every day. It was 5 years in October. Just wanted to let you know you've got a friend that understands. God Bless and Merry Christmas kiddo :-)
Do you remember when you wrote the first article about Greg some 20 months ago, a month before I started here? You were one of four writers who gave me inspiration and the belief that I had value Candie. And you did that from the heart at a time (19 months ago) that you were hurting so much and yet you made me laugh, care and believe!
I hope that I can repay that one day Candie and perhaps in the interim, I can honor you by being the best that I can be as another soul who speaks and writes from the heart and was inspired to do so, as someone shared a little piece of their greatness with another of similar need. So my brave and wonderful Candie... thank you and perhaps I have reason to also thank your Greg, for inspiring you to inspire! Over the holidays... read the effect of that love paid forward, if you can.. I hope it can bring you some comfort and strength.. maybe there is a poem for Greg that needs to live on huh?
You Take Care and Be Well... YOU Helped change my life - Just thought you needed to know that... Thank You.. Merry Christmas Jill..
Oh Candie. I went one better, or worse, than g-ma. That brought me to tears. So beautifully and sensitively written. Voted up. And the choice of Eva Cassidy is perfect. My friend Judi introduced me to that and I have have never enjoyed it as much as after reading your beautiful Love Letter... because that is what it is. A beautiful Love letter.
Bless you, Candie and I hope you have a lovely Christmas.
Hmrjmr, PD and TL - you guys have me in tears now!
Hmrjmr - Yep, that's me, too.. thank you, so very much! Tell her we appreciate you here! And Merry Christmas to you as well!
PearlDiver - I had no idea other than the nice comment when you joined my hubasylum. Thank you deeply. I'm in awe, and humbled beyond words. I'm trying to be brave - and I thank you for the support and inspiration your hubs have given me along the way!
Twilight Lawns - I'd pass you the tissue box, but I'm currently using it! Eva has been a fave of mine for years. It was either this one or "I know you by heart".. that one is my most favorite. I held on to this hub for the last week. Not sure about sharing it, but in the end felt like I needed to. Thank you for making me laugh so much since you joined. You are a gem!
Really touching, Candy, and it really captures not only your feelings, but the feelings of everyone over loss in their lives. It couldn't have been more beautiful. Bless you, my sweet!
What a beautiful tribute, Candie.
I also remember you writing about Greg when you first started here. That article also touched me. I knew from that article that he had big shoes to fill, but I didn't know he had so many pairs of them!
I hope you have a Merry Christmas. Maybe a good New Year's resolution would be to actually get up to your neck of the woods for coffee or lunch.
Ah Chris, you have shoes of your own that would be tough to fill, too! Thank you my dear friend, truly and honestly!
Tom, he had so many we lost count! They covered half the bed when we tried to pair them up! Coffee would be delightful, maybe we could invite G-Ma! A Merry Christmas to you also - here's hoping for a new year of more joy than tears!
That's a sweet song. God bless!
Thank you so much Micky!
Meeting G-Ma also would double the fun for me! I'll probably have my granddaughter with me since she likes to spend weekends with her Papa Tom. I'll send you an e-mail to try to get the date and time set!
That would be fantastic! I'll be waiting!
Hi Candie, sending you a big warm hug from me to you. mwah :)
Ashantina, many many thanks for the note and this comment. It's truly appreciated! I'm sending a warm hug back to you!
True treasures are always buried so deep. You've shown by this tribute what I have always thought of you....A woman with amazing heart who is indeed,"Brilliant!"
Wishing you a great big hug! Always in our thoughts...smiling....even in the rain. :)
Thank you Tom! You and Tammy are constants here, and I sure appreciate you both - more than words can say! It's raining like crazy here and I'm smiling indeed! Instead of calling, I went and saw his mom today. Lovely lady with a heart of gold! I'm sure glad I got to spend some time with her! Hugs to you both, and Happy New Year!
Candie - a really big HUG! I can't think of anything else to say!
Thank you FP! Hugs back to you!
Candie--Such a wonderful heart-warming tribute to someone who sounded perfect for you...I'm so sorry. I can't pretend to understand what you're going through, but I hope someday that the pain becomes less and less, and you are left with the warmth inside of the love you shared.
~hugs~
Tam, I have my days when it makes me cry, then it makes me smile. He was so funny! He knew every song to every cartoon! Hahaha! He was a great match for me.. and I am thankful every day we had the time we did. Thank you for your heart and love.. Hugs back for you!
Oh Candie - it's always harder at Christmas time. isn't it? And yet, not everyone is blessed with a love like this! Like Tammy said - here's hoping the warmth of the memories brings back the smiles. ((((((hugs)))))
Shalini! Yep, holidays are the hardest part - especially when this happens during the holidays. Thank you for your hugs and support.. you're right - it's in the good memories!
I have such a big lump in my throat right now thinking of you and your Greg. I couldn't bring myself to decorate for Christmas this year either. Still grieving the loss of my mother who would have liked the Christmas decorations left up a while longer last year. Every time I thought of bringing some of them out it was just too sad...maybe next year.
So nice that you and Greg's mother are still in touch. Even after my husband and I were married I kept in touch with the parents of my first love who was killed until they joined him in heaven. Nice of my husband to be so understanding.
Long distance hugs and tears are being shared with you today Candie and here is to many laughs together in the future. You are such a sweetheart! This was such a beautiful tribute to Greg and the love you shared together.
Ah Peggy! I am overwhelmed! Thank you for sharing your heart, too. Greg's mom will be in my life for years, I don't think death should wipe out relationships that mean so much to us. Next year we shall decorate like crazy, ok? Good plan!
It took me a while to get around to reading this...I guess I suspected it would bring me to tears. It will take me longer to brave listening to the song.
This was beautiful. I'm sure the most difficult thing for Greg was leaving you behind. All you can do is be thankful for the time you shared and the memories you have. I hope Greg told you you are a wonderful writer, because you are.
Peace.
CP
Hi Chris! No, Greg missed out on all this. I started my journey without him. I'm like to believe he's keeping up on all of it. You were very brave to even open this, I hope some day soon you'll listen to Eva's song. It took me awhile to find just the right version.
Thank you for the compliment. I just write from the heart and hope it all comes across the way it is in my head! Oy! It's so crowed in there! Ha! Anyway, thank you, again..
Came looking for you.... found this. My wound is still too fresh, can't see the screen anymore. Catch you on a better day.
Ah, Randy.. you have always inspired me and I'll be here when you get back.. hugs my dear friend! We're in this together!
How sad. I understand those feelings and I have been gone a long time. Time to catch up and I hope to hear and see you writing soon. If I can do it, you can too! :)
Thank you A! I'm working thru it all the time. They say 'time is a healer'.. but somedays are better than others. I adore you.. and will keep at it! Thank you for your heart and kind words!
Cummon Flash, Say goodbye with an adventure! mmmwwwaaa
Hi Neil! I'm not Flash.. I'm Bubbles! I'll pass on your message.. who knows.. maybe another adventure is indeed in order! Thanks for the smile! MMMMWWWWAAA!
wow, this really got to me, I thought it was going to be a breakup thing, but woah. I am sorry for your loss, how are things going for you now?
etherdemon - Thank you so much for taking the time to read, and leave me a note! His voice is still with me. Some days less than others. I'm stronger than I've ever thought I could be - in no small part due to who he was for me in life. Miss him still!
Candie, this is beautiful. I've been out of the hubpages loop for a while and just now saw (and read) this. Your writing is so transparent; this piece was so heart-felt. Thank you for sharing from your heart.
Nutuba - I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this piece with me. It's probably one of the hardest for me to go back and read. I can't believe it'll be 3 years Christmas. Time and I are moving forward. Tho, my pace is slower than time's is. I have noticed your absence, and hope you return soon! Thank you again!
wow, this really got to me.I am sorry for your loss.
Great writing.
Thank you fashion! It's extra nice when someone new shares my hubs. I thank you, too for the heartfelt comment on this special one.. Please visit again sometime!
Your writing continues to touch me no matter what you write about it is a rare gift that you use well :D
Hi my dear friend! I haven't written anything new for a while, and I'm trying to get back to it. Thank you for the kind words, I do so appreciate it every time you visit. Hugs!
Hi Candie was thinking about you so came visiting your last written hub.
I hope you are feeling better now.
Lots of love and light to you.
My dear friend, cashmere! You know.. I don't think there's a day that goes by that I don't think about him. Some of it's happy, some not so much. But I'm going on - day by day. Still talking a bit to him.. still seeing his eyes roll at me! That's the smile part - his dimples when I was being 'pink' when he was talking 'blue'.. *eye roll*! Hahaha! I appreciate you, and so many friends here.. thank you for checking in, love back to you!
Candie - I saw you commented on Ian's hub and just had to "meet" you on your own site. I think I've surmised that you were among his first HP supporters. Nice.
And your tribute to your Greg really speaks to me. My George died 3 years ago Sept. 5th. I just wrote a hub (titled "It's Eleven-Eleven") mentioning some of the little-things reminders of his ongoing presence for me. We were together - married and before - almost 30 years. And we really were - together.
And also - Eva Cassidy. Such a beautiful singer - and her life cut short. So few folks know of her. I was thrilled to see you do. I just love her music. And her "Over The Rainbow" is incredible. Thank you for the lovely reminder! Hugs.
Nellieanna, welcome and thank you for your kind words. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and how you work thru it day by day. It's the same with me, constant reminders. I wish we'd have had that time, but I'm grateful for the time we did have! And Eva has been a fave of mine for many many years!
I may have been one of the beginning followers of TL. He's become a very dear friend, indeed! We have a lot of fun! If you get a chance check out his hub on his dog (if you hadn't already) it and the Ikea flatware trouble are some of my faves.. I could list a few more (like the one of his estate caregiver's sheep) Adore his writing deeply!
Hope you get a chance to stop in again, I'll be over soon to check out yours!
Yes. - I had a bad "dry eye" condition before George died, but haven't had any trouble with it ever since.
I do enjoy Ian's wit, humor and good heart. I've read a lot of his hubs, and definitely those about the Norbury Mudhounds and Betty, that sheep. Funny. I haven't been following him as long as you and some others, but have come to treasure him too.
Earlier today I was checking for people born on my birthday - and lo and behold, - who do you think? - Eva Cassidy. Both Ground Hogs. Only hers was 31 years after mine! :-)
Happy birthday to you both (whenever that is!). There are so many talented writers here, so much fun to see all the different styles and hearts. It's a great place to learn, and for me - been a great place to 'live'!
Hi Candie,
I miss reading your hubs. Notice you haven't written one in quite some time. Just wanted you to know that I am thinking good thoughts of you and hope that today is a good day for you with many to come.
Hi Peggy!
Writing is again on my mind, and should be putting something together here soon! Thank you so much for your love and support - in every way, it's returned many fold!
So glad you are back, Candie. We all missed you - especially me!
RedElf! That's so sweet of you! Thank you!
Looking forward to more hubs from you soon Candie. I always enjoyed reading them!
Peggy my traveling friend! I may have one coming up soon - it's been way too long! Thank you so much for your continued friendship and support!!!
Hi Candie,
You have my friendship and support in spades! Here we are...approaching another holiday season. Thoughts of those who are no longer with us are always close to the surface. Nice that you still have Greg's mother to talk to and reminisce with about your dear one. Hugs to you!
Hey Peggy! Yep.. Here we are again... I may just go wild and get a wreath! I think he'd be happy.. It's a start!.. 3 years.. Amazing!
Hi Candie, this is such a beautiful letter. I hope things are looking up for you now and you are well and in fine spirits. I too, cannot believe that it has been three years. It seems like yesterday. Big hug for you, my friend.
Hey Ali! Thank you!! Time is flying by, and without Greg it's a tad emptier - but less intense. How does the world spin without these amazing people in it?
I don't know that I can answer that question, Candie, other than 'it just does'. Hope you are keeping well.
I know it does.. not that I have to like it, eh! Ah well! :) I am good.. really too busy, but I need to be right now - today is the first 'me' day I've had in a long time and it feels great! I need to write again - driving me crazy!
You and me both, needing to write I mean.I have come back here, not in the swing yet but will get there. I think that this is a good place to be, and am sorta regretting not staying with it.
Well girly girl! Pick up where you left off! That's what others are telling ME! Greg! I need inspiration! He said to hush up and get on it. Figures.. He's so like that!
Oh dear Candie,
I was meant to find you through the 'irony' of a challenge I swore to myself I would never undertake, only a year ago.
You are one of THE most beautiful souls I have met on HubPages. I do not feel we ever say goodbye to those we love. They remain forever in our hearts, our intentions and the remaining journey of our days on Earth.
Greg has and always will inspire you. Greg has and always will love you, and you him. Your hand will guide you to express at the the appropriate time for you, in turn we will all be waiting for your words of wisdom.
Maria! Thank you for sharing my hub and Greg with me, and your gracious, lovely words are truly appreciated! Thank you - I believe his voice and heart will be with me always, too! Hugs my new friend!
Hi Candie V... you are like many feeling alone with the loss you have suffered. Such a touching letter and I thank you for sharing it with us. Many who follow know your pain and we all reach out a hug you as one...
Hugs from Canada
Thank you for the hug Rolly! It did touch a nerve, and as I mentioned, I wrestled putting it in here, but it's turned out to be a good thing to share. It's not as painful now - still chat with him now and again, but it's getting easier as time passes. I was told it would - and darned if it isn't right!
So.. thank you for the hug, again.. and sending you one from Kingston!
What a compliment! And how wonderful would it be if all men sought this: ".... I've tried to date, but you've left some big shoes to fill..."
And another one: "...You made me laugh so hard!"
This one I cannot overlook: "... You loved me so much, you taught me so much about myself. You showed me I was valuable when I didn't think I was."
WHAT A JEWEL OF A MAN YOU'VE LOST!
Who can blame you because you are still mourning?
But I do hope you will soon find another love as good as Greg. Of course he will not be like Greg... No two loves are the same. Nobody is able to fill the shoes of another... Fortunately there are many shoes of all sorts in our heart, waiting to be filled.
Voted up and touching :)
Ah, thank you deeply Martie! You are right.. They will come with their own shoes!! It is.. after all.. The quality of the heart that I truly measure! Appreciate your visit and note deeply!!
I am sitting here sobbing like a baby because this was the sweetest, saddest thing I've ever read. I just want to reach through the computer and hug you Candie. But my goodness how lucky you are that you have had the chance to know this man and to know this kind of deep relationship.
Ah.. Ardie.. Thank you so much! Here's a tissue.. And a hug back!
Wow! This is so sad and yet so beautiful! Obviously I did not know this man but I wish I had. What a beautiful tribute. Blessings and peace to you my new friend!
Thank you Bill! I wish you all could have! And to you as well! Hugs!
This is such a moving hub,so sorry for your loss.
Thank you pnj30! I'm moving forward.. a little more every day!
Nice hub...Thanks a lot
htodd, Thank you for stopping by and leaving me a note, it's much appreciated!
Hi Candie,
I can't stop my tears, a tight hug to you.
G-Ma Johnson Level 4 Commenter 17 months ago
I am almost in tears Candie...am sad you are feeling so sad and alone, but I too know the feeling, maybe why it brings tears to my eyes...
He of course was so right you are a bit dingy, but brilliantly so...and such a wonderful lady to be driving a school bus I don't know how you drivers do it...
You are always in my thoughts dear and I hope you made that call.
MERRY CHRISTMAS CANDIE...:o) hUGS g-mA